Quod me nutrit, me destruit|
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|Friday, April 6th, 2012|
5 weeks until graduation. I cannot believe I achieved (or will) my masters in less than a year! holy shit it's been kicking my ass though. most of my day is spent in the car though and fast food trekks. I intern at a hospital and running floors and being the least bit dizzy doesn't help. I passed out/blacked out once and that didnt go well. Not making excuses but I feel very balloon like. BLAH!!!
I always come back to the certain communities here. Spent years with this bull shit. I hate ed-nos. so damn much. theres no end.
|Wednesday, August 10th, 2011|
|possibly triggering. but what isnt
so even though i have cceliacs disease, I figured it would be a WONDERFUL idea to eat leftovers in the fridge of boneless(breaded) wings ina sweet bbq sauce. the fact that they were absolutely delicious is besides the point at the moment. Besides like, 10 of those, I had one square of a PB-snickers bar. ((have any of you had these!?!?!? I could have packages and packages of them... oh wait, I have before o_O)) andddd coffee. and an apple. and diet coke. soooo If i was the type of person who doesn't like to torment themselves or ingest food which will cause them to not breathe and disgest food for the next week I guess I wouldnt feel too terrible. and i have my period and am cranky. wah. hahah
Last week i went to PA to visit my best female friend, and my best male friend. I miss them both terriblyyyy... I hope oncce grad school starts I'll make friends on Long Island. ...all my friends living 6 hours away is soo old.
|Tuesday, July 19th, 2011|
so the other day M and I went to NYC to see Taking Back Sunday. Amazing show all in all. The whole day he was joking around/making fun of the "(my name here) diet" which is coffee and smokes. I ended up eating though because it was a 'vacation from reality' for me. or some other bullshit excuse. we snuggled on the train and slept the way home. In the carride to our houses I took a hugeee sip from his smoothie. "you pig!! you put a dent in this!!" ...whatthefuck. I almost died. I know he was joking around, but I wanted to die. still do. Super embarressed. rawr =[
|Sunday, May 22nd, 2011|
whoop-dee-fucking-do, back again. how many years have i had this fucking account?! how many hours have i spent creeping along on other peoples writing hoping for a word of encouragement?
if im not drinking, im smoking, if im not binging, im taking way too many laxatives. I want so much in my life but im just a drunken idiot.
last night i went out with R, he waited for me to come back to NY after 4 years of going to school in PA (i just graduated a few weeks ago), and everytime ive seen him, some how or another i hurt him. not emotionally. just by like, biting or pinching?!? idk i flirt like a fricken 16 year old. hes 24, im 22, we're too old for me to be acting like this.
I drink waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much when im with him. I dont know why. besides me being nervous and so i drink, then im drunk and hes not and i look like a twat. argh!!
livejournal always seems to drag me back in when i come home. that past 2 summers i lived 6 hours away from home and this summer i had to move back. what am i getting myself into?? this will be a terrible summer, i can feel it.
i want to lose 15-20 pounds this summer, which in all honesty isnt nearly anything, my doctor says i will be out of the "healthy range", but who ever wanted to be healthy anyway.
i just had a hugeee breakfast (2 pieces flax toast, carmelized onions, hot pepper relish, and 3 servings of steak-ums[AKA the most unhealthy disgusting meat byproduct to exist]) and an espresso. about to make another espresso and hopefully wake the fuck up.
i have my graduationparty on june 18th and im terrified that people wont show. i mean, i do live 6 hours away from school/where friends live, but if only 6 people show it wont be too bad, but i feel like if there is 10 it'll be awkward compared to the 30 or so i want to invite. does that make any sense at all? idk.
heres the warning that i'll be commenting more and yadda-yadda-yadda
|Saturday, January 8th, 2011|
i hvaent logged on in god knows how long. I just had a tumor removed from breast on tuesday so ive just been sore and achey this week.
I've been trying so hard to just 'kick this' and be 'normal' and 'happy' ... here i am again though... ugh
I'll be better this year. this year will be my year. i have 16 weeks until I graduate from college. 16 weeks to not be a fat mess on graduation day. 2 weeks until i start my internship at a psych ward. I - CANNOT - WAIT !!!
|Monday, November 23rd, 2009|
I cant believe the last time I posted was when I broke up with austin... well we got back together a few days after that post. and have been together since. I tried to break up with him for the third time yesterday, but he still came over after he got done with work?!?
..it seems when im stressed/pmsing I want chinese and i dont give a fuck if im allergic.
while in my binge happy moment at hte buffet, I got a call from the Dr. with my test results that ive been waiting on... pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. i have to wait 6 months and get a biopsy again to see if the cancer went away? or if its still there... sweet. @_@...
hello scaredy caT!!!
|Wednesday, August 5th, 2009|
Update! Im alive! Ive been on here everyday, but just havent really posted or commented on your guys' journals, Im sorry and will shortly. Im very sorry.
Ive been moved into my apartment from about 5 days now.
planning on breaking up with my pothead/alcoholic boyfriend soon. after he gets situated in his new apartment. idk i hate him soo much right now its pathetic.
hes at the bar. for the last 5 hours getting drunk on a wednesday when hes broke as fuck, and my roommate is fucking her bf the entire time. and im broed and lonely and cant go watch TV in the living room bc its right next to their room.. and thats across the apartment.. and i still hear them right now.
Im at 120 pounds as of this morning. this has been the goal weight for the last like, 7 years. I cant believe ive been fucking dealing with this goddamn eating disorder for close to 10 years already. I hate it.
anyway, im at 120 and this is all ive wanted for so long.
it was always, "once I get to 140 ill be happy" that came and went. then it was 135.. 130. I thought 130 and ill stop. ill be good and happy. around two months later and im down to 120 feeling like the biggest heffer to ever exist. and I hate everything around me.
last night my Boyfriend said how he cant deal with me not eating anymore. and deal with my constant walking around town, and not having fun bc im too self conscious. i just told him we eat have our vices. In my head I think another 5 pounds and ill be good. but I know that my crazy farfetched dream of 98pounds may become a real goal soon enough and im scared and not excited.
my mom and Dr. at home want me to have started conseling. i dont want to.
I want help. so badly I want to be normal with food. and be happy. and not freak the fuck out if i think a shirt is making me look like a balloon, or that my thighs are rubbing together as I walk. but I cant give this up. I need this. its been all ive known for so many years. I dont know who the fuck
I would be if I wasn't strange around food and everything was okay in my head. I just dont understand how people can recover.
Who am I? Im 20 years old. and if I am not dieting, I dont know what the fuck to do with myself. I hate this feeling so much.
|Sunday, July 5th, 2009|
my new favorite thing to do is to put new towels in thumper - my rabbits - cage, and see him freak out and reorganize EVERYTHING, his little teeth pulling the corners of hte towel till everythings -just right- and the fact that its the day after 4th of July, so everyones stil setting off fireworks and crackers, every loud boom, he stops what hes doing, and scurries under teh shelf in his cage and hides for a little bit.
its hilarious. Current Mood: amused
|Wednesday, July 1st, 2009|
today i found my sisters bottles of diet pills. I cant really get mad at her, i mean, at her age I had already been making myself puke, or i was restricting, for years.
eitherway i put them in her room before my mom saw them and told her to be more careful bc mom would throw them out and yell like she had done to me in the past. my sister simply said she didnt care and my mom knew that she was taking OTHER diet pills.
on every shooting star and every birthday wish, I only wanted this to end for me and for my sister to never go through what i am when it comes to eating and dieting. and now look.
shes taking diet pills thinking itll be the cure to her weight problems. she is depressed. and she eats her days and nights away. signs up for gym after gym, but never goes and hides in her room eating pizza after pizza. no i do not think she purges. i hope she doesnt. it would break my heart. yes she gains weight, maybe she is a little chunky, but shes my little sister, and i love her how she is. so do her friends.
my mom pesters her aobut her weight, and i tell her to stop, but theres no point.
it never ends.
im so disapointed.
and a little jealous that she has the money to buy the pills which makes it even worse.
|Sunday, May 10th, 2009|
I really enjoy when my entire fucking family tells me how much weight Ive lost since they've seen me last (around 11 pounds) and then I dont eaty and say how im not hungry, then go to town!
i realize what i ate wasnt all that much today, but i feel like a failure. i wanted to prove that there can be one skinny kid in this damn family. jofewjoqwjfrow
i hate my life and just want to binge, but am too dizzy to stand up so am avoiding it currently
i can really go for french fries.
and candy and hot chocolate..
and a really greasy mozzeralla cheeseburger with bacon and no bun
and fuck my entire life away plz.
|Wednesday, December 24th, 2008|
California University of PA :verses: Mansfield University of PA
ive been looking all day. argh
|Tuesday, September 16th, 2008|
I've never felt so fucking alone in my entire life.
|Monday, August 18th, 2008|
just got home.. had to go to the bank earlier and close ccounts and open new ones. then my mom took me to wal-mart to get things for college because the money I saved up was stolen, so I was pretty much screwed.
came home and am now eating breakfast
75 cals - 1 egg
32 cals - 2 egg whites
5 cals - Pam spray
200 cals - canned salmon, put some in my eggs, and the rest of the can Im going to eat for lunch/snack
So as of 10:40am im at 312
im pushing for around 700 calories today
|Friday, June 27th, 2008|
I fucking HATEEEE plateus. always & forever.
I'm trying to jump around on my calorie intact to toggle this, but it isn't working and I just feel extra fat.
Joshy got out of jail on Wednesday =] =] =] I haven't seen him since Feb. 13th =[ downer for going to jail on V-day. anyways. he called me wednesday morning at 12:10am. I was the first person he called. he's looking forward to me going upstate to visit him and sarah. on Friday night sarahs working [im staying at her house] so I'll be spending the day with Josh. not that Im complaining. My goal was to some how or another lose 8 pounds by July 10th when Im leaving. THat isnt gunna work if I dont break this plateu though, and Im pretty upset about it.
I don't wanna be a fatty-cake when I see him. Esp since in all his letters & on the phone he keep talking about how all he did in jail was workout =\
((PS: he isnt a dirtbag)) rawrrawrrawr
work from 8-6, then gym for an hr and a half. whoop-dee-fucking-do. Then coming home to work out allllll night, I love Fridays.
Ive been writing in my real life journal a lot lately, but negleted this, my apologies.
Do any of you guys have favorite ED-communities? what are some of yours?
|Tuesday, June 17th, 2008|
Soo last night after worky Tim & I signed up for the gym.. I was dripping sweat, not all that attractive, but weverytime I looked over at Tim, he was just standing around.
I want able to breathe what-so-ever and I figure its due to smoking a pack a day. haha, but today Im thankyfully off from work.
I realized that today is going to be a hardday since Im home,... sooo far Ive had
1 hasbrown  a slice of bread  coffee, string cheese[im guessing like 80??] then a few peices of chinese ribs. :[ not good... i realize that isnt a whole lot for it being 1230 already.. but I still feel shitty about it.
so i figured id post and stay out of the kitchen.
right now I have a hugee glass of ice water wish a 1/3cup of lemon juice.
going to the gym again today at 6. hopefully im able to breathe today. haha
very jumbled and rambley. my apologies.
|Thursday, March 6th, 2008|
so i got home from college at midnight last night.
when we were driving home we stopped to get food, fucking A, I ate so damn much.
i gained like, 4 pounds since sunday, im so pissed.
i saw my mom thismorning for the first time since jan. and she said i lost a lot of weight =] =] =]
but im having coffee right now and an apple. im so fucking pissed.
have a good spring break everyone!
|Tuesday, March 4th, 2008|
lunch = small salad, hamburger minus the bun, water
snack = half of a cliff bar
dinner = 2 small potatos with chili
status = full as fuck.
and studying for my organic&bio-chem midterm for tomorrowwwww =[[ wahh wahhh
hopefuly we get this ice storm like we're suppose to and have classes cancelled.
thatd be sweet.
im leaving for spring break tomorrow at like , 7pm. sooo no eating until i get home so my mom can see me.
and my friends.. if any are home
but this no nicotine thing is positively going to kill me. >=0
|Monday, March 3rd, 2008|
I made my first goal the other day =]
one of my best friends at college and i are on a diet plan together and leaving out the other girl in our group =\ but we want to actually be better then her at something. ill probably post pictures soon becuase im so happy about this though
i already have to borrow her pants all the time becuase mine just fall off... literally. =] good but kind of bad i guess
my moms going to be pissed. even thoguh she put me on a different diet plan so i dont get more fat. shit happens.
i cannot type today. my apologies
i have to read literally 900 pages by tomorrow morning at 830 am..
aka not happening.
but the weather is sooo sweet here! its like 50 degrees for the first time since september.
everyones wearing skirts and shorts and hanging out outside.
we're all eating it up because we're getting a snowstorm on wednesday when we leave for spring break
i wont have a scale for 15days while on break
i can make it work though
hope everyone else is doing well with plans!!!
im aiming for 7 pounds to lose by the last weekend in march when i go to canada!
|Saturday, November 10th, 2007|
sooo im back again trying really hard. i lost quite a bit of weight since i started college but im through.
its all snowy, im probably going to the gym in a little bit.
ive been in such a rut lately and i dont know why.
i really miss my boyfriend on the weekends. =\
he gets to go home every weekend to work and im stuck here and havent seen my friends or family since august. sweet.
anyways, i ate alot yesterday when i planned on fasting. if i plan to try and do good, i always fuck it all up.
today i was like, 'ill be a little leanent, but still good' and i ate the biggest breakfast known to mankind. anddd it wasnt even that good.
last night i just ate and ate and ate because i was bored and didnt wanna hang out with my friends down the hall... i made myself throw up in my garbage bag. it was embarressing. all i kept thinking was if people heard me in the hallway, and what if my roommate walked in.
i felt alot better though afterwards.
all the dietpills and caffine pills really arent helping my IBS and other stomach issues.
all day and night my stomach hurts.
i love not having enzymes in my body to digest anything =[ note the sarcasim.
anyways, just wanted to prove im alive.. even if it is just to myself.GOAL:
Lose 10 pounds by christmas,
-No eating after 7pm
-Gym every other day, atleast. 3+ hours weekly
-8+ water bottles daily
-No food from Lower Manser unless salad or grilled chicken
-Go to the gym when I had my chem class [ I dropped it ]
|Monday, March 26th, 2007|
|3 hour diet + rambling
soo Im going to start the "Three Hour Diet"
you eat breakfast an hour within waking up.
then three hours later you have snack
then lunch. snack. dinner. snack. sleep.
breakfast, im going to have 3 egg whites at 6:30
9:30 I'll have a chewy bar/100 calorie pack
12:30 I'll have a fiberone bar
3:30 I'll have either easy-mac or a veggie burger
6:30 I'm at work, so I'll have to have a chewy bar again or something
9:30 Still at Staples, so I'll a protein bar or something
The order of meals is a little screwy but its due to workyyy =[
IM LEAVING FOR MY CRUISE ON FRIDAYYYYY =\