Ive been moved into my apartment from about 5 days now.
planning on breaking up with my pothead/alcoholic boyfriend soon. after he gets situated in his new apartment. idk i hate him soo much right now its pathetic.
hes at the bar. for the last 5 hours getting drunk on a wednesday when hes broke as fuck, and my roommate is fucking her bf the entire time. and im broed and lonely and cant go watch TV in the living room bc its right next to their room.. and thats across the apartment.. and i still hear them right now.
Im at 120 pounds as of this morning. this has been the goal weight for the last like, 7 years. I cant believe ive been fucking dealing with this goddamn eating disorder for close to 10 years already. I hate it.
anyway, im at 120 and this is all ive wanted for so long.
it was always, "once I get to 140 ill be happy" that came and went. then it was 135.. 130. I thought 130 and ill stop. ill be good and happy. around two months later and im down to 120 feeling like the biggest heffer to ever exist. and I hate everything around me.
last night my Boyfriend said how he cant deal with me not eating anymore. and deal with my constant walking around town, and not having fun bc im too self conscious. i just told him we eat have our vices. In my head I think another 5 pounds and ill be good. but I know that my crazy farfetched dream of 98pounds may become a real goal soon enough and im scared and not excited.
my mom and Dr. at home want me to have started conseling. i dont want to.
I want help. so badly I want to be normal with food. and be happy. and not freak the fuck out if i think a shirt is making me look like a balloon, or that my thighs are rubbing together as I walk. but I cant give this up. I need this. its been all ive known for so many years. I dont know who the fuck I would be if I wasn't strange around food and everything was okay in my head. I just dont understand how people can recover.
Who am I? Im 20 years old. and if I am not dieting, I dont know what the fuck to do with myself. I hate this feeling so much.