urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine Fighting for the smallest goal. mysweetsatine 2009-08-05T21:21:48Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:37420 2009-08-05T21:21:48Z 2009-08-05T21:21:48Z Update! Im alive! Ive been on here everyday, but just havent really posted or commented on your guys' journals, Im sorry and will shortly. Im very sorry.<br />Ive been moved into my apartment from about 5 days now.<br />planning on breaking up with my pothead/alcoholic boyfriend soon. after he gets situated in his new apartment. idk i hate him soo much right now its pathetic.<br />hes at the bar. for the last 5 hours getting drunk on a wednesday when hes broke as fuck, and my roommate is fucking her bf the entire time. and im broed and lonely and cant go watch TV in the living room bc its right next to their room.. and thats across the apartment.. and i still hear them right now.<br />awkwardddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />Im at 120 pounds as of this morning. this has been the goal weight for the last like, 7 years. I cant believe ive been fucking dealing with this goddamn eating disorder for close to 10 years already. I hate it.<br />anyway, im at 120 and this is all ive wanted for so long.<br />it was always, "once I get to 140 ill be happy" that came and went. then it was 135.. 130. I thought 130 and ill stop. ill be good and happy. around two months later and im down to 120 feeling like the biggest heffer to ever exist. and I hate everything around me.<br />last night my Boyfriend said how he cant deal with me not eating anymore. and deal with my constant walking around town, and not having fun bc im too self conscious. i just told him we eat have our vices. In my head I think another 5 pounds and ill be good. but I know that my crazy farfetched dream of 98pounds may become a real goal soon enough and im scared and not excited.<br />my mom and Dr. at home want me to have started conseling. i dont want to.<br />I want help. so badly I want to be normal with food. and be happy. and not freak the fuck out if i think a shirt is making me look like a balloon, or that my thighs are rubbing together as I walk. but I cant give this up. I need this. its been all ive known for so many years. I dont know who the <b>fuck</b> I would be if I wasn't strange around food and everything was okay in my head. I just dont understand how people can recover.<br />Who am I? Im 20 years old. and if I am not dieting, I dont know what the fuck to do with myself. I hate this feeling so much. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:36956 2009-07-06T01:06:49Z 2009-07-06T01:06:49Z my new favorite thing to do is to put new towels in thumper - my rabbits - cage, and see him freak out and reorganize EVERYTHING, his little teeth pulling the corners of hte towel till everythings -just right- and the fact that its the day after 4th of July, so everyones stil setting off fireworks and crackers, every loud boom, he stops what hes doing, and scurries under teh shelf in his cage and hides for a little bit.<br />its hilarious. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:36664 2009-07-01T21:47:42Z 2009-07-01T21:47:42Z today i found my sisters bottles of diet pills. I cant really get mad at her, i mean, at her age I had already been making myself puke, or i was restricting, for years. <br />eitherway i put them in her room before my mom saw them and told her to be more careful bc mom would throw them out and yell like she had done to me in the past. my sister simply said she didnt care and my mom knew that she was taking OTHER diet pills. <br />on every shooting star and every birthday wish, I only wanted this to end for me and for my sister to never go through what i am when it comes to eating and dieting. and now look. <br />shes taking diet pills thinking itll be the cure to her weight problems. she is depressed. and she eats her days and nights away. signs up for gym after gym, but never goes and hides in her room eating pizza after pizza. no i do not think she purges. i hope she doesnt. it would break my heart. yes she gains weight, maybe she is a little chunky, but shes my little sister, and i love her how she is. so do her friends. <br />my mom pesters her aobut her weight, and i tell her to stop, but theres no point.<br />it never ends.<br />im so disapointed.<br />and a little jealous that she has the money to buy the pills which makes it even worse. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:36219 2009-05-10T23:33:49Z 2009-05-10T23:33:49Z I really enjoy when my entire fucking family tells me how much weight Ive lost since they've seen me last (around 11 pounds) and then I dont eaty and say how im not hungry, then go to town! <br />i realize what i ate wasnt all that much today, but i feel like a failure. i wanted to prove that there can be one skinny kid in this damn family. jofewjoqwjfrow<br />i hate my life and just want to binge, but am too dizzy to stand up so am avoiding it currently<br />i can really go for french fries.<br />or nutella.<br />and candy and hot chocolate..<br />and a really greasy mozzeralla cheeseburger with bacon and no bun<br />and fuck my entire life away plz. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:35726 2008-12-25T02:37:23Z 2008-12-25T02:37:23Z California University of PA :verses: Mansfield University of PA<br />ive been looking all day. argh urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:34303 2008-09-17T02:07:53Z 2008-09-17T02:07:53Z I've never felt so fucking alone in my entire life. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:31758 2008-08-18T14:41:44Z 2008-08-18T14:41:44Z just got home.. had to go to the bank earlier and close ccounts and open new ones. then my mom took me to wal-mart to get things for college because the money I saved up was stolen, so I was pretty much screwed.<br /><br />came home and am now eating breakfast<br />75 cals - 1 egg<br />32 cals - 2 egg whites<br />5 cals - Pam spray<br />200 cals - canned salmon, put some in my eggs, and the rest of the can Im going to eat for lunch/snack<br /><br />So as of 10:40am im at <b>312</b> im pushing for around 700 calories today urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:31031 2008-06-27T11:18:02Z 2008-06-27T11:18:02Z I fucking HATEEEE plateus. always & forever.<br />I'm trying to jump around on my calorie intact to toggle this, but it isn't working and I just feel extra fat.<br />Joshy got out of jail on Wednesday =] =] =] I haven't seen him since Feb. 13th =[ downer for going to jail on V-day. anyways. he called me wednesday morning at 12:10am. I was the first person he called. he's looking forward to me going upstate to visit him and sarah. on Friday night sarahs working [im staying at her house] so I'll be spending the day with Josh. not that Im complaining. My goal was to some how or another lose 8 pounds by July 10th when Im leaving. THat isnt gunna work if I dont break this plateu though, and Im pretty upset about it.<br />I don't wanna be a fatty-cake when I see him. Esp since in all his letters & on the phone he keep talking about how all he did in jail was workout =\<br />((PS: he isnt a dirtbag)) rawrrawrrawr<br />work from 8-6, then gym for an hr and a half. whoop-dee-fucking-do. Then coming home to work out allllll night, I love Fridays.<br />Ive been writing in my real life journal a lot lately, but negleted this, my apologies.<br />Do any of you guys have favorite ED-communities? what are some of yours? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:30795 2008-06-17T16:38:33Z 2008-06-17T16:38:33Z Soo last night after worky Tim & I signed up for the gym.. I was dripping sweat, not all that attractive, but weverytime I looked over at Tim, he was just standing around.<br />I want able to breathe what-so-ever and I figure its due to smoking a pack a day. haha, but today Im thankyfully off from work. <br />I realized that today is going to be a hardday since Im home,... sooo far Ive had<br />1 hasbrown [150] a slice of bread [80] coffee, string cheese[im guessing like 80??] then a few peices of chinese ribs. :[ not good... i realize that isnt a whole lot for it being 1230 already.. but I still feel shitty about it.<br />so i figured id post and stay out of the kitchen. <br />right now I have a hugee glass of ice water wish a 1/3cup of lemon juice.<br />going to the gym again today at 6. hopefully im able to breathe today. haha<br /><br />very jumbled and rambley. my apologies. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:29222 2008-03-06T15:56:22Z 2008-03-06T15:56:22Z =]<br />so i got home from college at midnight last night. <br />when we were driving home we stopped to get food, fucking A, I ate so damn much.<br />i gained like, 4 pounds since sunday, im so pissed.<br />i saw my mom thismorning for the first time since jan. and she said i lost a lot of weight =] =] =] <br />but im having coffee right now and an apple. im so fucking pissed.<br />have a good spring break everyone! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:29107 2008-03-05T01:21:02Z 2008-03-05T01:21:02Z lunch = small salad, hamburger minus the bun, water<br />snack = half of a cliff bar<br />dinner = 2 small potatos with chili<br />status = full as fuck.<br />and studying for my organic&bio-chem midterm for tomorrowwwww =[[ wahh wahhh<br />hopefuly we get this ice storm like we're suppose to and have classes cancelled.<br />thatd be sweet.<br />im leaving for spring break tomorrow at like , 7pm. sooo no eating until i get home so my mom can see me.<br />and my friends.. if any are home<br /><br />but this no nicotine thing is positively going to kill me. &gt;=0 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:28704 2008-03-03T19:38:04Z 2008-03-03T19:38:04Z bayside <3 I made my first goal the other day =]<br />one of my best friends at college and i are on a diet plan together and leaving out the other girl in our group =\ but we want to actually be better then her at something. ill probably post pictures soon becuase im so happy about this though<br />i already have to borrow her pants all the time becuase mine just fall off... literally. =] good but kind of bad i guess<br />my moms going to be pissed. even thoguh she put me on a different diet plan so i dont get more fat. shit happens.<br />i cannot type today. my apologies<br />i have to read literally 900 pages by tomorrow morning at 830 am..<br />aka not happening.<br />but the weather is sooo sweet here! its like 50 degrees for the first time since september.<br />everyones wearing skirts and shorts and hanging out outside.<br />we're all eating it up because we're getting a snowstorm on wednesday when we leave for spring break<br />i wont have a scale for 15days while on break<br /> =\<br />i can make it work though<br /><br />hope everyone else is doing well with plans!!! <br />im aiming for 7 pounds to lose by the last weekend in march when i go to canada! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:27950 2007-11-10T18:03:22Z 2007-11-10T18:03:22Z sooo im back again trying really hard. i lost quite a bit of weight since i started college but im through.<br />its all snowy, im probably going to the gym in a little bit.<br />ive been in such a rut lately and i dont know why.<br />i really miss my boyfriend on the weekends. =\<br />he gets to go home every weekend to work and im stuck here and havent seen my friends or family since august. sweet.<br /><br />anyways, i ate alot yesterday when i planned on fasting. if i plan to try and do good, i always fuck it all up.<br />today i was like, 'ill be a little leanent, but still good' and i ate the biggest breakfast known to mankind. anddd it wasnt even that good.<br />last night i just ate and ate and ate because i was bored and didnt wanna hang out with my friends down the hall... i made myself throw up in my garbage bag. it was embarressing. all i kept thinking was if people heard me in the hallway, and what if my roommate walked in.<br />i felt alot better though afterwards. <br />all the dietpills and caffine pills really arent helping my IBS and other stomach issues.<br />all day and night my stomach hurts.<br />i love not having enzymes in my body to digest anything =[ note the sarcasim.<br />anyways, just wanted to prove im alive.. even if it is just to myself.<br /><br /><b><u>GOAL:</b></u> Lose 10 pounds by christmas,<br />possible? very.<br /><br />Personal Rules:<br />-No eating after 7pm<br />-Gym every other day, atleast. 3+ hours weekly<br />-8+ water bottles daily<br />-No food from Lower Manser unless salad or grilled chicken<br />-Go to the gym when I had my chem class [ I dropped it ] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:27330 2007-03-27T02:08:13Z 2007-03-27T02:08:13Z soo Im going to start the "Three Hour Diet"<br />you eat breakfast an hour within waking up.<br />then three hours later you have snack<br />then lunch. snack. dinner. snack. sleep.<br /><br />breakfast, im going to have 3 egg whites at 6:30<br />9:30 I'll have a chewy bar/100 calorie pack<br />12:30 I'll have a fiberone bar<br />3:30 I'll have either easy-mac or a veggie burger<br />6:30 I'm at work, so I'll have to have a chewy bar again or something<br />9:30 Still at Staples, so I'll a protein bar or something<br /><br />The order of meals is a little screwy but its due to workyyy =[ <br /><br />IM LEAVING FOR MY CRUISE ON FRIDAYYYYY =\<br />im nervous urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:26627 2007-03-13T20:30:21Z 2007-03-13T20:30:21Z 100 - chewy bar<br /> 90 - special K bar<br />140 - veggie burger<br /><u>100 - marshmellows</u><br />430 calories<br />I burned 645 at the gymmm today<br /><br />:D yay! 215 left to be even! <br />ill probably just grad a protein bar before work, even though id be higher. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:26266 2007-03-05T14:59:55Z 2007-03-05T14:59:55Z 100 - chewy bar<br />140 - veggie sticks<br /><br />came home from school today middle of second period.<br />mehhh urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:26097 2007-02-28T19:24:30Z 2007-02-28T19:24:30Z today is a 500calorie day. says me.<br /><br />2 airheads [120]<br />frozen SouthBeachDiet lunch [330]<br />total is 450calories.<br /><br />fifty lefttttt.....<br />I'm spending it on gum and sugar.<br />I had coffee this morning and brought it to school in an insulater cup.<br />doing that again.<br /><br />airheads durning 7th period.<br />went home and had the frozen dinner.<br /><br />now im drinking greentea.<br />im going out with Kristopher a little later before work at 6.<br />so heopfully we dont get anything.<br />then tomorrow is a 250-350 calorie day =\<br />unless we get bagels. <br />then I dont think I'll mind.<br />I have no will power and love bagels.<br />haha urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:25679 2007-02-21T19:32:03Z 2007-02-21T19:32:03Z I went on date last night with a boy from my school.<br />Hes an amature body builder.<br />holllllyyyyyyyy shittttttttt.<br />His legs, you can SEE THROUGH HIS PANTS the muscle deffinition.<br />its pretty gross.<br />i felt bad bc i let him know that. haha<br />whoops.<br />260 pounds of pretty much all muscle.<br />im not sure if i wrote when i met him in this journal or not,<br />he was able to pick me up over his headand pretty much bench press me.<br />insanity. <br />haha<br /><br />He came to my house to pick me up, he had to turn sideways through the doorway to get into my kitchen, thats how massive his shoulders are! <br />my dad was like o_O!@!!@<br />it was crazy. haha.<br />then he had to pick me up to get me into his truck, its about 3 feet off the ground. probably more.<br /><br />then we went to Island16 and saw The Messangers,<br />it was alright, even though I was scared durning it, it wasnt soooo bad.<br /><br />Then we went to a diner.<br />i ordered home fries bc i didnt know what else to order, i only ate a few bites though.<br /><br />we got to talking, he asked if i had an eating disorder, and it really took me off guard. <br />I guess I looked insulted, he said it was only because his sister was diagnosed with ED-NOS a few years ago, and I was acting like she did.<br />so nowwww I really gotta watch myself around him.<br /><br />after the diner we went to the beach, but it was raining =\ meh.<br /><br />ANYWAYYYY<br /><br />today I woke up, we went to Babies R Us to get my cousin things for his soon to be born baby!@!@!!! IMSOEXCITED!<br />haha<br />....and the fucking cashier asked when Im due?!!?!?! My mom was like WTF?!<br />she was just like, "oh, well... yahno.. baggy sweatshirt, depressed face, psuhing the cart"<br />I wanted to slice her. <br />we went to RubyTuesdays afterward and my mom made me eat a salad because frankly, i never want to eat again.<br /><br />tomorrow i get to go to the doctor for my stomach issues =\<br />and then either friday or saturday my mom and I are heading to the city [NYC] to get my prom dress =] or atleast to start looking. yayayayay! <br /><br />work tonight 6-10<br /><br />payceee!!!! <br /><br />&& PS Im totally in love with Mansfield University, I cant wait till I move there!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:25377 2007-02-15T14:59:47Z 2007-02-15T18:04:10Z I GOT INTO MY NUMBER 1 COLLEGE CHOICE!<br />Mansfield University of PA!!! <br />awsomeee!!! =] =]=]<br />of course it'll take me six hours from LongIsland to get there. haha<br />im so excited! <br />Im going down on Monday the 19th to visit it,<br />I hope they still have class next week so I can see the people from there. haha<br />I heard from Mike that PA kids are weird.<br />Im hoping thats just York kids though. =\<br /><br /><br />90 - special K bar<br />140 - coffee chewy bar [worth it]<br />1 - black tea with S&L<br /><b>[EDIT:]</b><br />320 - Homestyle chicken SmartOnes<br />280 - 6 Entenmans cookies =\<br /><br />=<u>831</u><br />I'm about to go on the treadmil now. <br />If anything I'll go on in half hour increiments.<br />I want to stay around 600 everday till next friday.<br />Burning 231 calories is nothing what so ever.<br />I could probably stay on for 2 hours if anything good is on TV right now<br />&hearts; urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:25229 2007-02-13T20:28:27Z 2007-02-13T20:28:27Z Mike comes home from college next friday [23rd]<br />I want to loose 7-9lbs.<br />i know this will all be water weight, etc.<br />what would you say, from expeirence, would be the best way?<br />and the maximum # of calories,<br />i cant really figure it out myself, im horrible at it,<br /><br />competition anybody?!<br /><br />i/m me on AIM! <br />exclamationxnone urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:24612 2007-02-11T16:55:33Z 2007-02-11T16:55:33Z I want to just do a Weight Watchers or Lean Cuisine type meal plan.<br /><br />aka: <br />Sensible breakfast<br />Special K bar for lunch<br />and a frozen dinner for dinny-dinz.<br />haha<br /><br />any of you know of any active comunities for that?! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:24464 2007-02-08T19:54:22Z 2007-02-08T19:54:22Z Im getting my tattoo and peircing march 19th. <br />I cant be a fatty mc fatfat when the guy tattoos me! <br />so i gotta loose this chubbb!! <br />*)(@*()# urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:23214 2007-01-26T01:27:17Z 2007-01-26T01:27:17Z <center>we should get jerseys cause we'd make a good team.<center><br />but yours would look better than mine, because you're out of my league.</center></center> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:21316 2007-01-02T21:43:22Z 2007-01-02T21:43:22Z Joanna said it was rape.<br />If it was, then I was raped on New Years.<br /><br />I just feel so disgusting. <br />I blacked out, his hands were in my pants.<br />Blacked out, he was ontop and inside of me.<br /><br />I'm afraid I'm Preg.<br />I don't know what to think. <br />I'm afraid to talk to someone about it.<br />Joanna keeps saying he raped me that night. But I don't want to think I was that vunerable.<br /><br />First time I get really drunk, and I get raped.<br /><br />I'm crying, and I feel so horrible. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:mysweetsatine:21226 2006-12-06T00:34:00Z 2006-12-06T00:34:00Z wow. im pretty bad.<br />i cant beleive ive been throwing up lately. this is horrendous.<br /><br />matt does massive amounts of cocaine.<br />hes a mess.<br />and i believe he has an eating disorder, i have more then enough reasons to think this. =[ mattymattcakesssssss!!!!!<br /><br />and i just ate likeeee 40004300 calories worth of subway. the only way my dad'll take me out is if we go out to eat.<br />gross.<br /><br />i cant wait till my parents come up stairs so i can go down and purge.<br />[my apologies.]<br /><br />i feel like crapppppppppp<br /><br />thursday Mike might still be sketching me nude for his art portfolio to get into college<br />jeezejeezejeeze why did i eat so muchchchchch?!!?!??<br /><br />fasting buddies?!? <br /><br />water coffee gum yogurt veggies 2fruits a day.<br /><br />whos down?